I crept down stealthPathways jagged he left open into secret places
boy hiding
When I touched him
Ready to run
When I woke him
Ready to be in my arms
When the dark and quiet hid him in love’s openness
I pretended not to know his name
Pretended not to know
Four score years and more is a long time to be alone
ungrown
Pathways jagged we have traveled
Entered whole and left fragmented
My empty spaces
Voluminous
Fill him
Fissures filled with hurt like putty gushing
He blocks entry with my bareness
Takes my nothing and turns it into mortar and brick
Yet something seeps
And now he’s left the scent of his long sleep on me
And what am I to do with that?
Posts
Hi M...
ReplyDeletethe imagery and sentiment is at once heavily earthed and poignant in the evocation of encounters, discoveries and departure. The afterthought in Boy, is gentle and fragile, tactile in the pain and audible in the resounding silence of all that follows in separations. It reads incomplete to me, for all the beauty of phrasing and distillation of its experience;on one hand stylistically inconsistent of all that is unsaid and lacking of its other voice... that of 'girl'. It's in danger of being seemingly accusative by the imbalance implicit in the absence of its counterweight. A comparative reads of the two versions you have suggest too the possibility of your first opening becoming the ending of your second.
it will be a very good write...
x
It does seem accusatory- in fact, I had "the girl" there in my first draft- and it was he who finally entered her dangerous pathways and became fragmented. I will think about your comments. They are very insightful
ReplyDeleteAwesome work. I just love your images. Reading this poem felt like I was all wrapped up in your dream thoughts. Excellent......
ReplyDeleteMelanie
Cassiopeia ~ your feedback means a great deal to me - helps to fill the empty places
ReplyDeleteYou can hear an audio reading of this at http://twaud.io/gSq I hope you enjoy
ReplyDeleteThe boy does not speak.. but still encircles the beauty of poem.. the feeling of the child, mixed with that of the women.a border uncrossable..
ReplyDeleteit feels good to get to read it.
cool contrasts in your words...the stanza on the jagged pathways leaving fragmented...brilliant....this has a great flow to it..and the ending question made me smile and think...nice one shot!
ReplyDeletethe intrigue of your opening stanza pulled me in straight way...great poem and thanks for sharing with One Shot
ReplyDeleteEnjoyed the contrasting qualities of shyness and forwardness... "My empty spaces / Voluminous / Fill him." Great lines. To me, the concluding question seems to curtail the emotional journey.
ReplyDeleteThere's a forbidden thread running through this that makes it very haunting.
ReplyDeleteNice imagery, but I'm stuck at the "four score and more" which would make one of the characters over 80 years old. Is the "boy" trapped in an old man's mind? Is narrator an old woman who never matured?
ReplyDeletemiridunn,
ReplyDeleteNice flow of words, although I am a bit confused about 'the boy' referred to here. Is it to a child or to something metaphorical?
Suja
A beautiful poem.......your blog is excellent....
ReplyDeleteWow- Just stopped in and read your comments! I am delighted that you said such thoughtful words about his poem. Suja & PattiKen - I can't answer questions about the poem. I think you will find your own answers will be just as satisfying :-)) Talon- you are very sensitive - yes, a forbidden thread. Pete, Dustus, Brian, Neva - I am humbled ... thank you all
ReplyDelete"Four score years and more is a long time to be alone
ReplyDeleteungrown"
Boy...oh boy...
Wow. This was sent to me by a friend (that's how I found your site) and she felt that it was written as my biography.
I give your words back to you:
"boy hiding...
Pathways jagged we have traveled
Entered whole and left fragmented
My empty spaces
Voluminous
Fill him"
I could copy and paste the entire poem. It is meaningful and thoughtful and so well stated.
"I crept down stealth
Pathways jagged he left open into secret places
boy hiding"
I hid and created new worlds, remaining very still in a fetal position in those
pathways, jagged and dark, left open while wishing for secret places
...safe
Sorry to get carried away, it hit home.
boy hiding
Tolbert ~ you probably understand this poem more than anyone - I am so happy ti resounded with you and your friend
ReplyDelete